did you get engaged???
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
