Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I am midnight drunk by noon
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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