I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
