Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
