I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
