But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
