Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
