nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
