Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
