update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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