Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
