Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
