So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
