watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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