I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
