You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize