the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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