Your mouth is God's brothel.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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