...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
