Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
