hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
