A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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