Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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