just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
