the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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