Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
