if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
