I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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