Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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