You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
