The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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