Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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