I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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