My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
