Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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