I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
