and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize