I CAN MOONWALK!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
