If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
