he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
