My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
