god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
