I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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