I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
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