i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
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