I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Randomize
