And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize