i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize