More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize