Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
