Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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