i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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