ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If I die, sorry about rent.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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