honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
