why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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