Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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