feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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