a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize